Back to Samantha

Ok so First I want to comment on my sisters blogg, effing hilarious. I wish we could write that book, it would be a top seller!!!!
Then on to why my title is so fitting. I have officially removed myself from a situation that was rather unpleasent several weeks ago. I also met someone that I'm kinda interested in, and vis versa, but the problem lies with me. I get extremely aggressive.I've learned to control this urge in front of the other person, but in my mind I torture myself. I obsess about things that should be routine.
I want so much so fast, maybe because in my mind I think if I if it dosen't happen ASAP then it never will.(we are speaking in terms of days,but to me seems like an eternity) I wish I could be calm and patient, and on the outside I pretend to be, but inside I have a one track mind. Everything I do is immersed in thoughts of that person.
What freaks me is I know I'm searching for a feeling...an illusive one and chasing it will probably push it farther away. What am I so afraid of? Being alone? I don't know, Not having anyone, even though I just was with someone for 5 years that made me feel like a pile of steaming shit half of the time. Didn't I learn that sometimes noone is not so bad? Yes....but still I crave the saftey in being with someone.
There are several people asking me out now, but of course I've already focused on the one that I want. I'm trying hard to do things differently than I have in the past, doing an OK job I guess, but I'm torturing myself inside.I don't know why I need so much attention from a boy.... what is wrong with me...???? It's also pissing me off because I've known this about myself for a long time and whenever I think I'm cured from that feeling it creeps up on me again. I guess maybe it's just a constant battle. Well I am a warrior!!!!heheheheh

new pictures

Here I am in all my glory......These pics turned out GREAT!!!
Brig, this is a great picture, they are even better in print, I had to scan them and reduce them and whatnot...
Dad and Patti, don't they look happy!!!
This picture was from my 35 mm camera that camera takes THE best Pictures!!!